French Kissing The French Poodle

Let’s be clear about something. I love my dog. There I said it and I am glad now you all know. She is the sweetest, cutest, cuddliest, funniest…. Ok… I guess you get the picture. Tikvah the Chihuahua/Schipperke mix was my little ‘rescue’ pooch – one of many over the years. The joy she brings is immeasurable. Unfortunately, even though I’m now retired with the ability to stay in bed as long as I want, Tikvah is on the ‘old’ feeding schedule from whence I was a working stiff, 5 O’clock in the AM. It is then that I’m awakened feeling something on my chest. I open my eyes to see this little 8½ lb. slightly greying black creature, face so close to my own that her breath would fog my eyes if they were mirrors. In the background, her metronome of a tail wagging hesitantly, slowing down with my exhalation and speeding up as I breath in the doggy breath wafting between our noses, almost nostril to nostril.

We are now in an intimate stare off. She is intent upon witnessing any movement from me indicating the daddy mechanism that scoops food with an 1/8 oz. measuring scoop into her tiny bowl, is functional. (She gets three such scoops a day and I know, sounds like I am starving her – I’m not! She also daily scores other snacks by staring into my heart and spinning that doggy spin of anticipation – I’m way too soft for both of our goods.) Meanwhile, back to the stare off at the OK Corral. As my tired eyes focus on her cute face literally, inches from my own, she slowly crawls closer to my face. My arms are pinned under the blankets from my own weight. I am helpless. She strikes.

Unlike others, I welcome doggy kisses. Yes, I know of all the horrible bacteria that reside in a pup’s mouth. There is Capnocytophaga canimorsus, a bacteria found in most dogs saliva that under the right conditions can cause sepsis and even death in humans. There is also Toxocara canis, a parasite known to cause blindness in people. These parasites can cause damage to human tissue as they choo choo through your body (are you feeling the urge to kissy wissy your doggy woggy right now? Didn’t think so.) Conversely, there also exists anecdotal evidence that dog saliva can be beneficial to humans. Just don’t make that an argument in favor of doggy slobber to an owner witnessing Rover’s nose hovering over a sidewalk urine stain).

So, there I lay, an unwitting victim to a savage doggy licking attack. Her little doggy tongue darting out of her mouth as I squirm, turning my head from side to side in a feeble attempt to avoid her connecting with my lips. Did I mention that at this point I am also laughing hysterically? Like a heat seeking missile, she attains her target of my mouth over and over as she takes my heart prisoner and slathers me with a assortment of potential doggy pathogens.

The ritual continues. Tikvah has set the machine in motion. I pick her up and place her on the ground. I get up, stagger in the dark, reach for my glasses and knock them to the floor wishing for another pair to find the first. There is, of course, no such pair. As I drag my half-asleep carcass toward the doggie food jars, Tikvah spins in excitement, moving forward like a tiny animated Macy’s Christmas float out of control. First, a Greenie chew then the inevitable 1/8 oz scoop, tiredly held by daddy who can barely hold up all 1/8oz. due to lack of sleep.

I drop the food in the bowl. I stagger back to bed and pull the covers up. But, before I allow myself to resume dreaming of supermodels in Hawaii, I close my eyes and listen to the sweet sounds of a very happy Chihuahua/Schipperke mix gleefully gobbling her breakfast as though this is the last kibble on the planet. It is a happy sound. Pure. Joyful. I have provided my pup one of the few specific things that brings her immense delight. I facilitated that and understand our ritual and its importance to both of us. I fall back asleep with love in my heart.

That’s when Tikvah jumps back up on the bed, once again onto my chest and gives me licks of thanks. I just can’t win… but… neither can I lose…